|Posted on November 8, 2016 at 2:05 PM||comments (0)|
Imagine just for a moment that FEAR surrounding childbirth was less and the SUPPORT for families was GREATER. This is a vision I have had since beginning my journey as a mother over twenty-four years ago and a professional Doula over fifteen years ago. As an expectant family you no longer walk in fear as you enter the doors of a local hospital, instead you are supported, you are heard and you are respected! As a professional Doula who adheres to a reputable scope of practice and code of conduct, you are welcomed as a valued member of the team.
This is happening now, the change is occurring and it took a long time to get here.
When I began my journey as a Birth Doula I was immediately blessed to have been surrounded my amazing mentors, these women paved the way before me, they laid the foundation and began building relations with key people who could help make the birthing world a better place. I was later honored to be trusted in making that vision a reality.
Joan Healy (here in spirit) was an incredible Nurse, Manager, Doula and Educator at Little Company of Mary in Torrance she was a true patient advocate. She was so well educated and loved that she was heard. When Doulas of the South Bay was formed (by many other amazing women Ellie Shea and Shirley Buzzoni to name a few), I was grandmothered in and soon after we were invited to be in attendance at every single Maternity Tour at this hospital, we were able to talk with the thousands of families that came through the tours every single week about the benefits of having a Doula for birth, we helped the director as we walked the tours with these families and we built relations with everyone including the staff. The Doulas aren't paid to be there every single Sunday for hours at a time, oh no, we volunteer to spread the Doula word, not just for ourselves but for ALL Doulas. We wanted to let families know that support and resources were available to them should they feel they needed it.
As an active Doula I have had the pleasure of attending many births at this hospital. The one thing that was always consistent was that the Nurses were kind, respectful and continued Joan's example of being patient advocates. Sure, I would guide families to tour both of the local hospitals and birth where they felt most comfortable (although their OB's would have a strong preference) we as Doulas go where ever the client decides.
Along this journey I realized very early on after being confronted by a Nurse one morning at 3 am as I was leaving a beautiful birth, that through our exchange of facts, Nurses aren't often taught bedside comfort techniques or often the properties of the medications they offer their patients. This got the wheels spinning even more; how can we continue to build those bridges, close the gaps and be able to guide these families?
1. Encourage families to hire a Doula (check, we were doing this at the tours)
2. If they don't have a Doula, educate the Nurses (2016 a Dream come true)
3. Get back to true INFORMED CONSENT (slowly but surely)
2016 a Dream come true; I had the best conversation of my Doula Trainer career with the Assistant Nurse Manager. She and her manager wanted to decrease the hospitals overall C-section rate and improve Patient Satisfaction, they felt they could best achieve their goal if they began implementing much of what Doulas do (why because statistically we Doulas already had the knowledge on how to achieve this because they had been doing it for YEARS). This was going to be easy, take this information and let's make birth better for everyone!
In September of this year we held our very first training at the hospital for the Nurses. We have had one training per month since then and many Nurses have attended, not because they had to BUT because they wanted to. The hospital paid for their training and paid their salary for two full days as they attended the training... can you believe that they trusted so much that they did this for their Nurses?
Each and every Nurse (seasoned or new) has walked out of the training renewed and ready to help their patients in a way that they have never done before, they now have the physical and emotional skills to help their patients have the birth they envisioned. They are now supportive of families who chose to have a normal birth, they don't fear not being able to guide them, see before they weren't against normal birth (which is often the perception), wrong, they just weren't ever taught how to help a family through the hardest thing they will ever do in their lifetime.
They hospital took this knowledge and began making new policies for each Nurse to follow and to take their level of respect for the birthing person to an entirely new level.They want to use inclusive language, they want to set families up for success, they too have an agenda that mirrors many families. The Assistant Nurse Manager sat in on my first training, she took notes, she spoke up, she began planning for the future families who walked through their doors. She later wrote a policy that is discussed at every huddle as the Nurses start their shifts.
This, this right here made me weep - physically brought me almost to my knees with an overwhelming sense of gratitide! They got it, they heard the importance, they want families to feel safe! I am so incredibly proud of them for taking the necessary steps and for implementing the change (shared with permission).
Providing a Safe Environment for your Patient
Did you know that greater than 60% of women have been violated in some way during their life? How will you know if your patient is one of these women? You may not know so you should take precautions with each patient to provide a safe environment for them.
What does that look like?
When possible allow doulas in triage. The doula will know the patient’s history and has established a level of trust with this patient which could be helpful to you during this assessment time.
Ask permission before you touch your patient. As stated in the CAPPA Labor Doula Manual, “While we should always ask before we touch a client initially, with survivors it is critical that they be in charge of their own bodies at every opportunity.” This includes raising or lowering the head of the bed as well.
Speak to patients at eye level, standing over someone while talking to them can be perceived as “dominant” body language. Find a chair or a stool to sit in while talking to them or raise their bed to accomplish the same goal.
Determine what language is safe for your patient. Ask them, what can I do to make you feel safe while you’re here? Is there anything I should not say? Avoid using “relax” or “don’t move”. As stated in the CAPPA Labor Doula Manual, “The best way is to ask your client to create a list of words or phrases that she would like you to use”.
Try to give the patient as much control as possible. Be mindful to let your patient and her partner know what to expect and give them time to process and ask questions before proceeding.
I will continue to live my purpose as a Doula, Educator and Trainer with my eye on the overall goal of trying to eliminate fear surrounding childbirth while building a community that supports families! My community is large, amazing and it's truly unstoppable.
|Posted on September 19, 2016 at 11:50 PM||comments (1)|
Where it all began
I had the extreme pleasure of being a compassionate friend who ultimately ended up supporting one of my best friends during the birth of her two boys.
Her first birth was in her words “horrific” over 18 years ago, she was treated unkindly and her own mother was in a fetal position crying during her labor and birth. Unknowingly, I stayed right by her side, maintaining eye contact and helping her find her voice while simply offering love to a friend.
She surprised me when she decided to have another baby, but this time through her own empowerment she changed hospitals and care providers. She asked me to be there again and I was so incredibly honored.
I did what any friend would do, I showed up with a box of tissues (because I knew how much she hated having buggers in her nose) and some other “helpful” goodies. Her nurse asked “oh, is this your Doula”, we looked at each other and giggled that stupid girl giggle and replied “duh we are best friends”. Shrugging it off and focusing on the task at hand.
I never left her side again, but stayed out of view of the box that ultimately became her focal point - with a cow jumping over the moon. She rocked in a chair, we laughed in between contractions, she appeared so strong and so at peace. She rocked some more and then her water broke! Soooo I did what any good friend would do, I moved her beautiful slippers so they wouldn’t get ruined.
Quickly after her trip to the restroom to “clean up”, things changed and we called for the nurse. She was progressing beautifully. Soon it was time to push, her doctor arrived and made small talk in between pushes, the room was calm, light hearted and very beautiful. The Doctor asked “is this your Doula” pointing his gloved up finger towards me, again we looked at each other and giggled, but this time I replied “hold on, what is this word that you speak of?”, a short reply was given with very little details. Her amazingly beautiful son was born, we all celebrated and then I left them to enjoy his sweetness.
But this word kept burning in my ears and I’m the inquisitive type, I couldn’t rest, I had to look it up - and I did (now remember this is a time where the intranet was brand new) - that’s when I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.
See I have never typed this story before. This is where is all began and even before these two birth, I was attending births of friends and family while still in high school. I was just a silly kid excited to be with these loved ones while they had their babies, but now I had direction. It all made sense to me, it felt so natural and the knowledge came easy.
October 2001 I took my official Doula training! This year I celebrate 15 years as a professional Doula!
Why I almost quit
It was Sunday, July 28, 2002 my entire personal (and soon to be professional) world was turned upside down and it made me question my work as a Doula.
The Thursday before I sat at the local park, the sun was shining longer during the summer, my son had a baseball game and my other best friend, her daughter and finance showed up to watch my son play and cheer him on. We sat in the bleachers catching up, throwing out encouraging words to the team and a few choice words to the umpire I'm sure of it, when I noticed her toe nails. She much like myself, always keep our hands and feet manicured and clean. Her toe nails were jagged, uneven and not like her at all.
I asked her what was wrong, she said "her feet were killing her". I asked her to pick a day to come by the house I would give her a pedicure and hopefully bring comfort even if it was temporary. She agreed, then went on to tell me that she had gone to the Doctor two days prior. She was short of breathe when walking (even short distances), her feet were killing her and intuitively she knew something wasn’t “normal”. The Doctor said the baby was laying transverse and not to worry, so she left.
I saw her Thursday, she went to the OC Fair on Saturday and on Sunday I got a phone call. It was from my best friends future mother-in-law, I couldn’t quit make out her words, she has a very strong accent but I was trying. See I thought she was calling to talk to me about the baby shower we were planning together. Then I heard one word “dead”… WHAT? I kept repeating, “I’m sorry I am having a hard time hearing and understand you, I’m so sorry”!
My best friends fiancé got on the line, I heard the word again “dead”, not hearing all the words, I assumed he was telling me that the baby had passed, I said “what are you telling me”, he said and I heard it very clear this time “she and the baby are dead”! My heart stopped...
What happened immediately after this is not completely clear to me, because when I came to in my mothers kitchen; two of my parents neighbors, my parents and future husband were all staring at me with the most horrific look in their eyes. They said I let out the most blood curdling scream. All I remember was darkness - the world had gone completely black.
I don’t remember the scream or how long my world went black, but when I came to, I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I arrived and was met by her fiancé, he lead me into the ER where her body laid - her mom and young daughter in a chair beside her glued to each other and in shock. The sadness for them, the emptiness in my heart, the questions in my head… it was a whirlwind. It seemed so unreal.
My best friend and her unborn daughter were gone! They weren’t able to save her sweet baby by the time they arrived at the hospital.
The next many months were filled with grief, emptiness and it took every ounce of energy to make myself get up every single day and to keep living while being strong and a mom myself. I went to my 9-5 job, I continued to take my son to school and his games, I had to be strong. I offered unconditional offerings to my best friends mother and daughter, hoping they would allow me remain their support through it all, it was beyond imaginable what they were going through. I had to put my own sadness aside.
Why I stayed and never QUIT
She was my best friend and she was going to allow me to be her Doula. How could I possible be a Doula now? The one thing I wanted to make my career, took my best friend. How could I support families with grief in my heart?
See she was a Nurse, we had plans to grow in this journey together, maybe even open a center for families. I knew that I had to keep that dream alive, in her honor!
I vowed to serve families with an open, compassionate and honest heart. I would listen when they talked (I hear you! I actually listen to listen, not to respond), I encourage them to trust their instincts and their bodies (there is never any shame in being checked) and to be their own advocates. I trust them to open those lines of communication with their care providers, so that the outcome results in the best possible care. I will be there to help them find that voice.
As a Doula I will never stop learning and researching for the families I get the privilege to support. I want to help them find factual based information so they can make true informed decisions about their care, create dialogue with those participating in their care and to help them find peace in the decisions - no regrets.
This journey has been the most difficult journey of my life, the most amazing journey of my life and now it has come full circle, it’s all making sense to me now!
That little girl that lost her Mother 14 year ago, is my goddaughter! She came to me a year ago and said “godmom, I want to be a Doula too”, “I have heard you on the phone, listened to you share about the work that you do and I want to do that too”. My heart about exploded! Yes, sweet girl this is your stepping stone, you are going to be an amazing Doula, it’s in your soul, be confident, be secure and don’t stop there, keep living that passion because I’m your biggest fan and your Mother is always watching over for you, guiding you. My goddaughter took her training recently, she has attended a birth and her destiny is nothing shy of greatness!
I’m writing this on what would have been my best friends “due date”. I am so thankful to have had the honor of living this passion for what will be 15 years next month! Thank you families for entrusting me to be your support, you will never know the gratitude I have for you and your willingness to share your day with me, as your Doula.
I will never forget, in your honor Tammy Madden: http://rememberthemothers.org
Support my goddaughter, Savannah Madden: https://www.facebook.com/savvysupportservices/?pnref=story
The center is open and serving families: http://www.thelullabylounge.com
#doula #bestfriends #adoulasstory #childbirth #thelullabylounge #california #rememberthemothers #doulalife
|Posted on July 20, 2016 at 12:05 AM||comments (0)|
Put your oxygen mask on first.
Recently inspired by a video watched on social media, it motivated me to look deeper into what we offer as Doulas, how that video applied to the work that we do and how can we better serve our clients.
As a Doula this is the advise we give every new parent. “You must put your oxygen mask on first, before you can care for anyone else”. This is the most challenging for all new families, the guilt, the feeling of selfishness or shame for needing to take time and to recharge. Well this applies to all who do Doula/Birth work as well!
But why? We are choosing to be on-call for one to five births per month, we chose our hours as postpartum Doulas, we know our limits and for the most part chose what we can do within those limits so we find balance and harmony in our personal lives, as well as, with our sleep and our professional hours. The services we provide go well beyond just being with a client, we have office hours, administrative work to complete, meetings after hours to accommodate client schedules and more.
It may take us two days to recover from a birth or postpartum shift. The guilty voice inside us asks but, Why? We “weren’t working as hard as the mom/parent”? “we are sleeping at the end of a shift”! It can often be so confusing, we try to justify why we shouldn’t feel as exhausted.
Well the answer can be as simple as identifying whether we are Sympathetic or Empathetic with our clients;
Empathy is the ability to EXPERIENCE the feelings of another person.
Sympathy is caring and UNDERSTANDING for the feelings of others.
Are we sharing in their empathy thus FEELING their experience? Furthered by our compassion that translates these feelings into action?
We often enter this work because there was a passion that drove us out of the starting gate, the desire and the enthusiasm was strong, much like that initial oxytocin rush that keeps us going. Then it becomes apart of our lifestyle, we make adjustments and we continue through the exhaustion, the growing pains and the intensity we often feel when leaving a client.
We can turn this action into a healthy boundaries of providing support while caring for ourselves if we learn to just hold space. By holding space without being empathetic, moving into this place of sympathy we begin to offer gentle nonjudgemental support and guidance, releasing ourselves of feeling like we are responsible for our clients.
What does it mean to “hold space” for someone else?
“It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” - by Heather Plett
How do we hold space in birth work?
Getting back to the basics of providing Physical, Emotional and Informational support.
When we learn to get out of the way, step aside and allow our clients to travel their own journey, we further allow them to feel supported, to get factual based information without our own agendas derailing their process, we in turn free ourselves of the pressure of being responsible for their outcomes. “It’s not my birth, It’s not my baby”. We turn that agenda into TRUST, trusting that these parents are smart, capable and knowing parents. That they are going to do what is best for themselves and their family. We don’t have the power of knowing what’s best for them.
Heal yourself of your own birth.
Had I known then, what I know now! Classic Doula mantra. You made the best decision for you in the moment! Give yourself GRACE. Because of your experience you became more informed. You have this knowledge to share with families to apply as they see fit. You are a vessel of knowledge while removing the EMPATHETIC characteristics from your service. Their experience will never be the same as your experience, your birth story should remain that way without projection onto your clients. You aren’t there to save them.
Your families are traveling a journey of true transformation. Because of their own experiences they will go down a road that will lead them to have their own growth and life changing opportunities, example: I had a client who was a college professor with degrees in areas unrelated to birth work, after her first child she became a doula and after her second child she packed up went to an ivy league school where she just graduated with her Midwifery license - her personal experience was life changing all because she was surrounded by people who just held space.
Allow yourself to grow.
As we sit in this place of trust, we allow ourselves to grow and to learn. It takes one time for you to stand back and to trust for you to truly see the power of what’s happening. Maybe you wanted to strongly encourage a mom to do something or to avoid doing something, but you kept within your scope of nonjudgemental support and as it all unfolded you realize it had to happen this way for a reason. You now clearly see the reason and became so thankful for trusting in those parents for their intuition or gut instinct. You become HUMBLE.
Think of the freedom you can allow yourself where you can provide amazing Doula support to your clients while also caring for yourself.
#doulas #avoidingburnout #areyoudoulamaterial #takingcareofyourself
|Posted on June 2, 2016 at 4:20 PM||comments (0)|
How are you choosing your Care Provider? Have you given thought to the kind of birth and care you would prefer for your conception, pregnancy, labor, birth and recovery?
I've heard it many times:
"Well they've been my Gynecologist since I was 13"
"My neighbor said they were amazing"
"This is the only one who is covered by my insurance"
This is why I never make a Care Provider recommendation until I have asked and LISTENED to the response carefully. Just because I think they are amazing, doesn't mean that is what YOU are looking for in a Care Provider. Maybe your neighbor was sure to schedule her C-section by 32 weeks and you are wanting a normal birth! Would that be the Care Provider for you? Probably NOT!
Some things to consider and to discuss with your partner or support people:
"Do you want to birth in a Hospital, Birth Center or at Home"?
In a Hospital you may have the choice of an OB/GYN, CNM or a DO.
In a Birth Center or Home Birth you may have the choice of a CNM, CM, CPM, LM
In a Hospital Birth how do you envision your birth and does that Hospital support (vaginal birth, surgical births, natural births, water births) your birth vision? (ref: in CA find out your hospitals C-section rate http://www.cesareanrates.com/2015/02/Californiacesareanrates.html
The main difference between a Birth Center birth and a Home birth, is that a few hours after recovery either you drive home or we tuck you in, the Midwife will continue to folllow-up in home during your extended recovery.
"Do you want a natural/normal birth"?
If so, do you have the support people who believe in YOU and your ability to birth your baby this way? Does the facility support this?
Take a Childbirth Class along with your partner or support person!
Everyone needs to be on the same page.
Hire a Doula! Suze Orman says this is a NEED not a want!
There are so many benefits of having a Doula support ALL of you.
Does your birth place support this type of birth, by having informed Nurses to support you.
Do they offer one on one care?
Do they "allow" you to move around, change positions frequently and use the shower or tub.
What is their policy on monitoring you during labor, continuous, intermittent or a doppler.
Is an IV required, or will this restrict your movement.
"Do you want an Epidural, Laughing Gas or Narcotics during labor"?
Are you educated on the choices above?
If so, when is a good time to get these with minimal affects on your labor?
What if these options aren't available when you want them, what is your back-up plan?
What if they don't provide the relief you desired, what is your back-up plan?
If labor is progressing quickly, how will you cope?
These are just a few questions you should be asking yourself and that of the Care Provider and Birth Place that you are considering. When you are uncomfortable and otherwise focused on birthing your baby is not the time to discover there are different agendas, goals or visions for YOUR birth.
Why is this VITAL?
During these conversations you begin to build trust in your Care Provider, so in the moment you hear their recommendation, there is discussion and you trust that although it wasn't want you wanted you know they didn't want that for you either, but it became medically necessary. You further discover that your memories and healing from birth are easier because you were apart of that decision making and you trusted it was the best decision in the moment. No regrets!
Having been present for over 500 births, there is a different energy in the room when parents feel they are compromising their birth vs a birth where the Care Provider comes in and supports the vision, offers encouragement, offers non-invasive alternatives, offer more time and provides additional support, you deserve that for your birth!
|Posted on March 30, 2016 at 3:10 PM||comments (0)|
Often I am asked what a Doula charges, NEVER have I been asked what is a Doula worth?
This question is so important! I'm probably not going to win any popularity contest with this post, but it is my personal opinion and feeling on this subject for so many years and I'd like to share it. Furthermore the timing could not have been more perfect when someone tagged me in this post on facebook just this morning (thanks Jessica and Jillian Michaels):
How is your WORTH measured?
The emphasis everywhere on facebook, in person meetings, addtional "advanced Doula trainings" is on making money! Doulas need to be charging more! Know your worth! Well I ask you, is your worth measured by the amount of money you make or what you are charging?
I can not for the life of me get my head around this concept. I personally don't care what you charge, it is none of my business. It only affects me when I am teaching to a room full of new Doulas and we discuss what the going rate is for Doulas or I have to answer to a potential client who asks why I'm not charging enough/more, because they just interviewed with a Doula who has five years experience to my 15 years, less than 100 births to my 500 attended, living in the same area and they are charging over $3,000.
Well the answer is quite simple, I don't measure my worth by the fee I charge for the work that I do, I measure it by the value I place on myself and the services I provide my clients. Furthermore I need to know that the clients I chose to work with VALUE my services and that they respect me as a professional offering them continuous support and as someone who is giving tirelessly for you them! (read what was written to the client about what Doulas do for them: http://www.integrativechildbirth.net/apps/blog/show/43889071-what-is-a-doula-worth-). And I personally want Doula support to be obtainable for families!!!
Just this week I met with a repeat client. Their finances are not what they were when they had their first child, so they asked if I could be there but for a discounted rate. Sure I have bills to pay, my families budget that needs to be met and all of this was taken into consideration when I agreed to do it! I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for them to even have to ask for a discount. I agreed to do it because she said "I would love your support for my labor and I want to respect you and your profession". She was being honest and raw and showing respect to a profession that I hold dear.
Did I just discredit the work Doulas do by agreeing to a discount, NO! I represented the true foundation in which this profession was built. Every family deserves support!
Yes, I am using a lot of "I" statements in this blog which is so out of character for me, often I speak from a general place when I have gathered information or knowledge from many views and try to make sense of it. I truly have heard both sides of the argument when it comes to Doulas having value, Doulas charging what they are worth, Doulas making a living wage. You can not argue that integrity in the value is the utmost important component of what we do.
Doulas are so important and do have bills to pay but that is not in question here. All of those points are valid, but I can't help to think that you will earn your worth when you start putting more emphasis on the value of the support you are providing and less on the amount you are making.
Doulas please stop making assumptions about your potential clients, because you went to the interview at their home and saw a Mercedes parked in the driveway or their home is larger or more lavished than others. This is no indication of their ability to pay a Doula or to pay what you are charging;
- Maybe they just learned what a Doula was and that they knew they could benefit, so they didn't work that into the budget for this month.
- Possibly that Mercedes was a gift or a hand me down car from a relative that had the means.
- That Michael Kors bag was a gift from their Goddaughter who just received a settlement from her deceased mothers life insurance policy.
- The huge house they are living in and the reason they can afford a Doula is because they moved back in with their parents to make ends meet.
- Maybe they don't honestly understand what you are worth! Education is key.
This is an opportunity to represent the entire profession and educate families on the value and worth of a professional Doula who is committed to serving them!
Remember who you are while showing respect for those who have paved the way before you! You would never start in your CEO position for a fortune 500 company making the same thing as the person who served in that same position for over 30 years. You will never come out of cosmetology school earning the same as stylist who has been doing this same job for 15 years, or the tattoo artist who has agreed to be your preceptor and you the apprentice but you want to make the same wage they are making... respect is earned. You will eventually! You will work hard and maybe in the beginning you take more clients to meet your monthly budget and as time passes you increase your fee, taking less clients and still meeting your families needs.
At no point am I saying you can not earn what you need to meet your needs. You should absolutely earn a living wage! How you do it will determine your character, your integrity and the overall WORTH you place on the value of the services you are providing and how that represents the entire Doula profession. This is not a get rich profession. This is a profession of serving selflessly for better birth outcomes and overall client birth or postpartum satisfaction.
|Posted on March 30, 2016 at 1:40 PM||comments (0)|
Often I am asked what a Doula charges, NEVER have I been asked what is a Doula worth?
What is your Doula WORTH to you? The answer to that is simple, you don't know yet. You have not truly benefited from her knowledge, compassion, commitment to you, your birth or your newborn baby.
With any hope you have interviewed Doulas, received feedback about your Doula from reliable sources, had a raw conversation about your expectations (read about expectations here http://www.integrativechildbirth.net/apps/blog/show/43775641-expectations-vs-reality) with this potential Doula and then decided if she was the best fit for your family.
Should cost be a consideration in your decision making? Absolutely, every family has a budget! When setting your budget you should consider what your Doula is worth! What is your Doula offering you? How is your relationship mutually respected? Their profession is so important to them that they spend countless hours furthering their education to benefit you. They read all the new studies/ published research articles available to bring you the most current up to date statistics so that it will help you to generate a conversation with your care provider, allowing you to make informed decisions about your birth or child. They attend advanced Doula trainings to even further the support they can offer to you. They are apart of a community far larger than you can imagine that allows them to have extended knowledge at their fingertips for you. They attend local meetings to stay connected with other professionals so they can learn but also to meet that special someone that they would trust their clients to and who would be available to back them up in the event they become sick.
A Doulas biggest fear is missing a call from a client in need or the call that it's time! Or to be super sick should their client need them and they don't dare take this illness into their birth place or home. We spend so much time praying that illness or bad cell reception are avoided, because we want to serve you the best we can.
Doulas give up family time, eating their favorite foods (i.e garlic or onions) or wearing their favorite perfumes out of respect for you, should they be called to your birth or assist you when you arrive home with your newest addition. They often take separate cars to events in case they are called away (they don't want to cheat other family members asking them to miss said event) as long as that event is within a 30 miles ratius of your home or birth place (because they want to get to you quickly). They keep their car packed with their "birth clothes", snacks because they are committed to being there for as long as you need them. They keep their gas tanks relatively full, again so they can get to you without delay. They don't turn off their phones at night (and it's never out of sight during the day), anticipating your call (even though family members on the other side of the globe are forgetful and text at all hours interrupting sleep. They don't take last minute family trips because they want to be available for you in case you need them. They have to be super organized so that party goes on without them because they were called away to be with you, or that their own home life is in extreme order so they don't disrupt the harmony they so desperately strive for.
When a Doula is with you or your family, they often don't eat or go to the potty for hours because it could disrupt the peaceful flow. They don't sit down and remain on their feet for hours because that double hip squeeze is the only thing helping you through each contraction. They remain close by in case you reach out or do everything they can to ensure you are as comfortable as you can be, calm and trusting in that very moment. They are keeping a watchful eye so they can bring you awareness if something that may be offered that wasn't in your original plan and being that voice of reason when other decisions are being considered. Allowing you again to ask good questions and making choices that you hopefully won't later regret.
Being on-call 24 hours a day 7 days a week is a choice Doulas make, answering your emails and text messages throughout your pregnancy and labor without setting office hours is also a choice, they chose to do this because they are committed to serving you! So what is their time and commitment worth?
All Doulas charge a rate that they feel is conducive to what they are offering and what they need to make to further support their family. Much of that is based on their experience, their self worth, what they are giving up in their own lives to share in this important day in your life that we consider an honor to be apart of.
Above all what Doulas may really need is your respect and appreciation for their time, endless support, the fact that they genuinely care about you and your family. It goes far beyond what happens on the day you give birth or your first weeks as a new parent - it's so so so much more.
Was it worth it to you to spend the money on someone who is committed to you? To be your navigation system in unchartered waters? To be the one who cares enough, that she gives up so much to be fully present for you while offering wisdom for a better experience?
|Posted on February 1, 2016 at 1:00 PM||comments (0)|
|Posted on October 13, 2015 at 12:55 AM||comments (0)|
|Posted on September 5, 2015 at 5:20 PM||comments (0)|
EXPECTATIONS, EXPECTATIONS, EXPECTATIONS!!!
We all have them, but are they realistic and have they been communicated? If not, are you setting other up to fail you!?!
As new parents you have "hollywood" visions of what life will be like with your new baby. Everyone dressed in white, baby snuggled blissfully in your arms, the window dressings blowing in the gentle wind of the window that overlooks the meadows... raise your hand if this actually applies to you? SHOCKING not very many will raise their hand, because it's fantasy. The reality is having a baby requires patience, realistic expectations and probably an additional village to help you to raise your baby.
Then hire a Postpartum Doula and be sure to communicate your needs. Otherwise you may be disappointed. Is it sleep that you desire? A shower? A warm meal as a couple? Help with learning babies cues? How not to have baby sooth ONLY at the breast? For each family these expectations are different. You and your support person can make this time near to the utopia described above, with just a little communication.
If you have a Birth Doula, what you think you need and what you may end up needing may change... in the moment do your best to find your words. During the interview be sure to explain your expectations. "I will need you in early labor", "I may need you to be my primary support person", "I love touch, this is what I want all throughout labor", if you don't communicate these things during the interview, the Doula may not know what she's signing up for and she may disappoint. The honest open communication can help families determine what Doula is BEST for them.
Doulas, please LISTEN! Studies have shown almost every single person listens to respond! Don't listen while thinking of what YOU want to say, listen to what the family is actually saying to you. Hear the words! If you have taken my training you know this is instrumental in improving your Doula skills. If you hear what the family is saying and you don't feel you can achieve those expectations, please refer them to another Doula. Don't compromise your business practices in exchange for a disappointed client. Everyone wins when there is honest - open communication.
Build your community! Set yourself and your support up for success!
Read more in the most recent CAPPA Connection
|Posted on August 24, 2015 at 10:15 PM||comments (0)|
Imagine you are sitting with a group of women, they know you are pregnant and for a moment you feel safe enough to announce that you plan to have a natural birth!
Wait! What? What is their reaction?
"Oh MY God!", "Why would you even do that?", "There is not a gold medal at the end", as they continue you feel like you are being backed into a very lonely dark hole. The judgement, the lack of support and the outrage and god-for-bid you announce you plan a home birth for the love of chocolate the explanations get bigger!
Have you ever been on the receiving end of this? Better yet, have you been the one to protest a "friend" or loved ones choice?
I have spent a lot of time wondering, asking and researching this very topic. Time and time again I hear clients second guess themselves and cry, yes I said CRY, because they were made to feel like bad moms; already and baby hasn't even arrived! I've hugged those moms and wiped their tears over and over again. They aren't bad moms because they want to lessen the exposure to unnecessary interventions (that aren't without risk) or because they want to heal quickly so they can meet the needs of their brand new baby. These are well educated moms, who took the time to research their options and found that this was the best choice for them / not you. You may have decided differently and that's ok too, your should never be made to feel bad because you wanted a medicated birth or to birth in a hospital, that is certainly your right and you too should feel supported.
If you have been on the receiving end of this, come from a place of compassion for the woman who isn't being supportive. Sit back and ask yourself if she ever shared details about her own birth with you and what that looked like. Chances are she wanted to have a normal birth too but along the way she was scared or unsupported and it dictated the decisions she made and ultimately she may have some regrets.
Women please stop judging other women for their birth choices, either way is ok - for that person!
Here is my theory on the subject and I encourage anyone who disagrees to email me, because I am not done trying to learn more on this subject. If a mother-to-be announces she wants a natural birth, do you then feel she is judging you because you didn't have a natural birth? Do you protest her choice because it is a reflection on how you birthed your baby? Do you feel by her saying she wants a natural birth, that she is in some way annoucing that she is better than you? So you reaction is to critcize her choice or denounce that there is no way she's going to be able to handle the pain, nor will she meet her goal of a natural birth? Think about it...
My job as a Doula isn't to tell women how to birth their babies or convience them to have a natural birth, in fact I don't even call it natural birth! I call it "normal birth" left alone, this is what their body and baby would do. But I know 100% without a doubt you CAN birth your babies normally, I find it's my job to convience YOU that you can do it! To help you drown out the ney-sayers in your head, to lift you up, encourage you to stay your path - because you chose a normal birth for all your own reasons and you will do it!
Let's lift women up with where they are in their vision for birth, encourage her to birth her way! The entire team needs to be on the same page as HER (the partner, the family, the entire support team, the Doula, the hospital and yes, the care provider). If there is a missing link in this chain, you will have a harder time in achieving your birth goals. Do not compromise, your baby is relying on you to make decisions throughout.
Ask yourself if you have an agenda for someone elses birth!?!